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Have you ever had those days, weeks, or months where you try to think back on what you did and you can’t remember a thing? I do. And I’ve had them quite a lot recently. So I recently decided to slow things down a bit and try to eliminate hurry in my life.

Morning.

I had a great Sunday this past weekend! My day started around 6:30am when our two young daughters were running back and forth in the upstairs hallway giggling.  They were anxiously waiting for us to open the gate so they could go downstairs. As always, the morning started with breakfast right away for the girls while they watched some kids’ show on the kitchen TV. As I walked downstairs, the smell of pancakes and bacon drifted through the house, which I love! I entered the kitchen where my wife was making her breakfast sandwich. The girls were in their same seats as always at the kitchen table. “Hi Daddy!” screamed one daughter. “Mommy, Daddy is here!” screamed my other daughter. Hearing that and seeing the excitement on their faces never gets old. I gave out my good morning kisses and went on with my morning.

Opening all the curtains in the house, I noticed it was a beautiful summer morning.  I could hear the birds chirping outside. My day usually starts with a 20oz coffee from Wawa, and this time I decided to ask my daughters if they wanted to go. “Yes!” they screamed with excitement. “WAWA!” WAWA!” they repeated running around the kitchen. Of course, we had to find the perfect summer dresses and fancy shoes to go to Wawa. During the very short ride there, we jammed out to Demi Lovato’s “Sorry Not Sorry.” I was impressed that both my daughters knew most of the words! Luckily it was the edited version or I probably wouldn’t be too thrilled.

We entered Wawa, and both girls darted to the cold drink area, as if they knew exactly what they wanted, and they did! My youngest daughter shouted out in a loud, high pitch scream, “Found ’em!” It was the Good2Grow drinks with the character heads on top. One daughter wanted the Moana drink, and the other picked the Ariel drink. You would have thought they hit the lottery! Both girls were skipping and dancing around Wawa, following me to the coffee station, and I just remember smiling.

After making my coffee, we had one last stop at the doughnut section where we grabbed two doughnuts, and again the girls were elated. “Wait, Daddy,” said my oldest daughter. “We need to get Mommy something.” She walked over to the shelf with a grin and picked up Peanut Butter TastyKakes to go. I thought that was very thoughtful of her, and let her know that was very nice to think of Mommy.

Once we got back to the house, the girls showed off their treats to my wife, and enjoyed their second breakfast of doughnuts. I went out back with my coffee, swept the porch, wiped down the tables, and put the cushions on our patio furniture. I laid down on the sofa out back, and just enjoyed the morning. It was so quiet. All I could hear was the birds, and the tall trees blowing in the wind. I was enjoying the moment and felt grateful to have a nice backyard to enjoy this summer morning. I felt calm, and was glad we had no real plans for the day.

About 30 minutes later, I decided to go to the gym. My wife and daughters were out on the front porch wiping down the railings and the rocking chairs. The cutest little helpers gave me big hugs as I got in my car and took a short drive to go workout. I just recently bought Apple Airpods, which was a life altering event for me. I felt pretty special to run and lift with no wires hanging, but played it cool of course. Meek Mill was my music of choice for my 15 minutes of cardio, and then I switched to 90’s hip hop for the rest of my 40 minute workout. I was feeling really good, and might have lost sight that I was surrounded by others while rapping to Warren G “Regulate” lyrics. Needless to say, I was hyped up.

Afternoon.

I was hoping to go home to a quiet house, but plans changed. My daughters didn’t want to go to Lowe’s with my wife anymore, and wanted to stay home with me. It was a hot and sunny day outside, so we decided to set up the sprinkler and enjoy the afternoon. After several failed attempts of putting their bathing suits on, we were finally ready to go. I took out the Bose stereo speaker, put on some dance party music, and watched my daughters run through the sprinkler for a good hour.

They were so happy and having so much fun. A few times, they asked me to change the setting on the sprinkler, which I did, and of course got soaked. They got a kick out of it and laughed hysterically. I’m pretty sure they were asking me to do it on purpose, but it was all good! We dried off in the hot sun, and my wife returned from Lowe’s just in time to help me get them inside and changed again.

The girls were tired from being outside. They grabbed a snack and planted on the couch to watch a movie. My wife was upstairs doing laundry, and I snuck back outside with a new book called “Give and Take” by Adam Grant. I laid on the patio sofa for a good 45 minutes enjoying this book. It was still hot, but I was in the shade and it was still very quiet. I just remember feeling very relaxed. While reading, I heard a little knock at the door, and it was my oldest 4-year old daughter, who wanted to join me. I went inside and grabbed 2 books for her.

She sat next to me and read with me. At this point, it was too hard for me to concentrate, but I continued to relax and listened to her make words up to tell her own story, which made me laugh. Every minute, she kept asking me, “What page are you on?” I told her to just enjoy the book, we’re not racing. She said “I know its not a race, but what page are you on?” Clearly, this was a race in her mind, and she obviously won. When I told her I was on page 32, and she was on page 41, she let out a loud “Ha! I’m beating you!”

I went inside for a minute to check the Phillies score, and saw my youngest daughter sleeping peacefully on the couch. Of course, I stared at her for a minute just smiling. I then went upstairs to see what my wife was up to and she was napping in our oldest daughters bed. I laughed and thought of how lucky I am and what a great Sunday I was having with my family. The Phillies had just won, the house was quiet, and we were enjoying a gorgeous summer day.

About a half-hour later, both my wife and youngest daughter woke up from their naps and it was time to start thinking about dinner. It was time to grill! My wife, who is 5 months pregnant, was at the grill cooking chicken and peppers.  My daughters were playing pretend grill with their little outdoor kitchen set. And I was sitting listening to Bob Marley singing “Three Little Birds” over the speakers, I took it all in. At this point, I actually began to feel emotional. Looking at my wife with her pregnant belly and watching my daughters play together brought me such internal joy. We sat down at the patio table and enjoyed a nice meal together for about 3 minutes. Then one daughter swiveled out of her chair, and the other wanted to chase her along.

Evening.

Soon, it was time get the girls into their pajamas and get ready for bed. I made a friendly bargain with my wife. I said, “If you take them to bed, I’ll do the dishes.” I put my Apple Airpods back in, while I was doing the dishes, and turned on a podcast called “Positive University” with Jon Gordon. He is a  famous author and keynote speaker who specializes in leadership and teamwork. In this particular episode, Jon was interviewing the Head Men’s Basketball Coach for the University of Virginia, Tony Bennett. Virginia had just won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship, after losing in historical fashion the year before.

They were the first #1 seed in NCAA tournament history to lose to a #16 seed. In his conversation with Jon Gordon, he talked about winning the championship, but more importantly what truly matters in his life. His family, his faith, and his players. Whether losing to a #16 seed team, and being publicly humiliated by the media, or bouncing back the next year and winning the National Championship, that didn’t define Tony Bennett. “You need to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life,” was a quote he read by a man named Dallas Willard, who was an American Philosopher. Coach Bennett spoke on that quote for a few minutes, and I had an “Aha” moment while doing the dishes!

My Sunday was great because I wasn’t in a hurry! I was present in everything that day, and genuinely felt emotions throughout the day. My day was filled with family time, working out, relaxing, reading, cleaning, and hopefully making a positive impact with my wife and two daughters. I actually sat down and had 3 meals. That in itself is amazing to me. My head was calm all day and I had zero anxiety. I wasn’t thinking about yesterday OR thinking about tomorrow. I was just genuinely happy with what was going on now.

Laying my head on my pillow that night, I was so grateful for this Sunday. The problem was the entire month of July leading up to this point was a blur. I was rushing out the door with a breakfast bar, working 12-14 hour days, rushing from one task to another, too busy to actually listen to anyone, skipping lunch, almost unaware of time clicking endlessly away. Unable to stay in the present, I was hurrying around and too preoccupied with my next move. It was all about the outcome of the day, the week, or the month.

I thought to myself, “Is this what truly matters?” And the answer for me is no. I want to be able to teach, coach, and impact those that I work with. Being able to listen to my wife when I get home about her day is important to me. Spending quality time with my daughters is crucial. I want to take that feeling that I experienced this past Sunday and take it with me the rest of the week. My goal is to “ruthlessly try to eliminate hurry from my life” so I can be a better leader, a better husband, and a better father.

How do you eliminate hurry in your life? Comment below or contact me to let me know!

Emotional contagion is defined by Wikipedia as “the phenomenon of having one person’s emotions and related behaviors directly trigger emotions and behaviors in other people.”

Emotional Contagion’s Effect on Basketball.

I first came across the meaning of emotional contagion while listening to a podcast called WorkLife with Adam Grant. I immediately thought of Brad Stevens, the current head coach of the Boston Celtics, and previous head coach of Butler University. Whenever watching his teams play, I always kept my eye on his body language, facial expressions, and overall behavior. I could never tell if his teams were up 20 points or down 20 points. I’m watching the basketball game, but I’m watching Brad Stevens closely on the sideline. I’m realizing that his emotional contagion is having a positive effect on his team’s mental state and performance on the court.

In Season 1, Episode 3 of WorkLife with Adam Grant, Sigal Barsade, who specializes in contagion and culture explains further. She says, “We literally mimic the non-verbal and facial expressions of the people around us.” That is what she calls behavioral mimicry.

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Coach Brad Stevens

Brad Stevens is one of the best at being aware of his own mood and how his emotions may affect others.  This YouTube video of Brad Stevens coaching at Butler University shows a great example of how he maintains emotional evenness during both a success and during a failure. His calm demeanor on the sidelines allowed him to make a critical decision to substitute in another player, which impacted the game on the next play. In addition to having that “next play” mentality, his players also stayed calm because their leader was calm. Again, behavioral mimicry!

Seconds later, his team won in dramatic fashion, and Brad showed zero emotion. This time, he was thinking of others and how it would affect them. He realized there was another team on the other end that just lost a heartbreaking game. He won with humility and class.

Witnessing Emotional Contagion Firsthand.

This is such an exciting time of year for Philadelphia High School Basketball. On Thursday, February 21, 2019, the final four teams of the Philadelphia Catholic League head to the Palestra to battle it out in the Semi-Finals.  The top two will then go to the Championship on Monday, February 25, 2019. (For an insightful preview on this year’s PCL’s semi-finals – check out Post and Pivot Podcast’s latest episode: Palestra Preview & Will Chavis Interview.)

I wanted to share this story of emotional contagion now, because it reminds me of my own personal experience in the championship two years ago…

On Monday, February 27, 2017, I was able to witness emotional contagion firsthand from John Mosco, our leader and Head Coach of Archbishop Wood Boys Basketball. I saw this emotional contagion in action during halftime of the PCL Championship. Coach Mosco led the team to their first ever PCL championship game in school history. In addition, we were facing Neumann Goretti, where Coach Mosco previously coached for 18 seasons. He was competing against his good friend, Coach Arrigale, who he had been an assistant coach to all those years.

In front of 9,000 fans at the Palestra, Archbishop Wood was down 31-18 at the half. I have been an assistant with Coach Mosco for a couple of years. I’ve seen him deliver some pretty harsh halftime speeches in the past because he expects the best effort out of his players. This time was extremely different.  We walked into the locker room and it was quiet. The players were sitting down and the coaching staff was standing around the perimeter of the locker room. Everyone was staring at the guy up front, Coach Mosco.

Coach Mosco was calm, he had a smirk, and said, “Everybody relax. We’re going to win this game. We’re getting good shots…keep taking them. They will fall in the second half. Let’s keep sharing the ball and keep shooting.” We didn’t make any adjustments. There were no harsh words. Coach Mosco simply instilled confidence in his players.

We opened the 3rd quarter by making back-to-back 3 pointers and went on a 13-5 run. We outscored Neumann Goretti 25-10 in the 3rd quarter and went on to win the PCL Championship. The final score was 65-58. As the final horn went off and our bench was celebrating our first Philadelphia Catholic League Championship, Coach Mosco’s first reaction was to give his friend and opposing coach, Carl Arrigale, a hug. Just like Brad Stevens, Coach Mosco had enough self-awareness to embrace that celebration with humility and unselfishness.

Behavioral Mimicry at its Best.

After the celebration ended and it was time to go home, I couldn’t stop thinking about Coach Mosco’s demeanor at halftime. His emotional contagion at halftime kept the players and coaching staff loose in a stressful environment. His leadership at halftime won us the game. Our players came out of the locker room with confidence in themselves, and felt the support from their leader.

Coach Mosco didn’t deliver some heroic speech, change personnel, or stray away from what led him to the championship. He simply trusted his players, trusted his experience as a coach, and trusted his strategy. It was more of his facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language that stays with me today.

These expressions, tones, and body language were directly referred to the players through behavioral mimicry. This article from the Bucks County Courier Times, ‘Archbishop Wood captures first boys basketball Philadelphia Catholic League Title,‘ really says it best when they explain how then-player Collin Gillespie (who now plays Division 1 Basketball for Villanova University), kept the same facial expression throughout the entire game, even at the point where Wood won the game. Jarrad Saffren, author of the article, states, “Finally, only after he climbed the ladder to cut off the last piece of net from the rim, only after he held it up with his coach for the cameras to see, did he finally crack a half-smile.” This was behavioral mimicry at its best. It was absolutely incredible to see how Coach Mosco’s emotions and behaviors directly triggered emotions and behaviors in his players.

The Best Leaders have Emotional Contagion Regardless of Circumstance.

In addition to learning great leadership qualities as a coach, I learned that the best leaders have emotional contagion regardless of the circumstance or situation at hand. During that entire 2017 championship run, Coach Mosco’s wife, Diane, was very sick. She had a bone marrow cancer called Myelodysplastic Syndrome. Their two children were in 7th and 8th grade at the time. I watched Coach Mosco the the entire season go from work, to the hospital, to practice, and back to the hospital. Somewhere during that time, he was also picking his kids up from school, driving them to their practices, doing laundry, paying bills, and trying to keep his house in order. He had a full plate, but his priorities never wavered. He was a father and a husband first, and a high school basketball coach second.

We learned from that championship season that Coach Mosco was all about other people. We had plenty of phone calls while he was in the hospital with his wife; he was very optimistic. Leaning on his assistants, family, friends, and prayer got him through this stretch. We discussed the difficult, but honest conversations he had with his sons while their mother was hospitalized, and how they were dealing with the situation. Throughout every obstacle that Coach Mosco faced during that 2017 season, he was a fearless leader who still made it all about his family and his team.

On September 19, 2017, Diane Mosco lost her battle with cancer and passed away at the age of 52. To witness someone lose their wife and see two teenage boys lose their mother was devastating. To witness how Coach Mosco and his sons deal with this situation and continue to live this new life has been inspiring and uplifting to me. I know his boys are in good hands, and I’m fortunate enough to coach them currently. I get to see their progression into young men firsthand, and it is incredible to watch.

Applying Emotional Contagion at Work and Home.

I try to adopt this approach and philosophy of emotional contagion at work and home. I approach winning and losing streaks completely differently now than I would have 10 years ago as a young manager. For example, when things are going really well at work in things such as sales, net profits, employee morale, or customer satisfaction, I find myself coaching harder and motivating more. When things at work are stressful, either internally or externally, I attempt to mellow out a bit. I try to be more supportive and understanding to the situation. I try to be extremely optimistic and carry a positive attitude throughout the day. In addition, I maintain the same high energy level.

It’s not just what I say when others are in front of me. I am also constantly aware of my body language, facial expressions and my overall demeanor.  I have to coach myself in my head that “Calm heads prevail,” or “I’m always on stage,” or “Palestra Speech.” Those types of short sayings help me protect myself from reverting back to the 23-year old manager I was at the beginning of my career. Back then, I would walk fast with an intense look. I would ultimately tighten up to the point where my decision making was poor. I was reactive and impulsive. Now I am thoughtful, understanding, and plan ahead for every situation.

So today, I want others to mimic my behavior and feel confident about the outcome. This way of coaching and leading in business has been extremely effective to me. And it is even more rewarding to see it through the others side.

The most valuable lesson I learned about emotional contagion is that it can be used at home. When we encounter stressful days or a tough loss in a game, it is easy to bring that poor attitude back home. Well not anymore! Now that you understand the definition of emotional contagion, you can execute it!

I hope that all coaches, business leaders, and even parents can learn something from this leadership style. I know I did. Thank you, Coach Mosco!

Have you witnessed emotional contagion before? Another great coach I’ve seen with emotional contagion is Coach Mike Krzyzewski, head basketball coach of Duke University. Check out this clip of Coach K, where he discusses a game against Louisville where they were down 16 points with less than 7 minutes to go. (Special thanks to Alan Stein, Jr. for posting the clip on LinkedIn, which is where I originally saw it!) Who else do you know with great emotional contagion? Comment below or contact me and let me know!

 

Getting Sober & Coaching Basketball.

There is no playbook for life. In March of 2013, I accepted an Assistant Basketball Coaching position at West Catholic Prep in Philadelphia, PA under Coach Jazz Williams. I was fortunate enough to have my brother-in-law Paul Colistra, who was Vice President of the school set us up for a meeting. Paul is now the President of West Catholic Prep. I have such a huge place in my heart for West Philadelphia, the coaches, players, and the neighborhoods. They helped me more than I could ever imagine!

I coached at West Catholic for 2 seasons, but that short stay impacted my life tremendously. At the time, I was 10 months sober. Yes, I’m an alcoholic. I was 27 years old, struggling with this new lifestyle, recently demoted in my position at work, totally uncomfortable in my skin, and trying to get through each day without drinking. One of the cliché’s I learned in rehab was “people, places, and things”. Stop hanging out with people that drink, stop going where people drink, and don’t go near anything that makes you want to drink. That seemed nearly impossible.

Fortunately for me, I found Coach Jazz Williams, Coach James Thomas, Coach Larry Strand, Coach Rob Wharton, and all the players in those 2 seasons. Those were my “people”. I found West Philadelphia, West Catholic Prep Gym, and the neighborhoods all over the city where our players lived. Those were my “places”. Long commutes to and from practice, endless conversations after practice about basketball with the guys, lots of film, late night scouting reports, and texts threads. Those were my “things”.

Each day was a grind, until I got in my car after work for an hour and 30 minute commute down 76 to 45^th and Chestnut Street for basketball practice. That car ride never bothered me because I knew I was heading to a safe place, with people that accepted me for who I was. I also forgot to mention these guys that helped save my life don’t know I’m an alcoholic and 6.5 years sober….

West Philly.

I quickly learned that coaching the game of basketball was the easiest task at West Catholic. It was everything else that needed our undivided attention as a coaching staff. Our players, their families, and their friends had real problems: drug addictions, shootings on the streets, gang life, rough neighborhoods, prison, and later down the road…a player murdered.

One of the lessons I learned now after reflecting at my time in West Philadelphia was that in order to grow, I needed to do things that were uncomfortable for me. Getting sober at the time was uncomfortable, but so was being the only white guy in every gym in the city, driving through rough neighborhoods to take players home where you knew you didn’t belong, calling and texting players daily even though they weren’t sure if they could trust me, and getting Chinese food at 22^nd and Diamond in the middle of the summer. Talk about uncomfortable!

By doing these things, I earned their trust, and more importantly I forgot about my own struggles. I didn’t have time to think about me because these kids needed our help. Not only did our players start to trust me, but the coaching staff welcomed me into their circle. They taught me about the streets, the family upbringing, the struggles a black teenage male has to go through. They all experienced that life growing up and got through it. I looked up and admired them because they were all great leaders in their communities, and more importantly great fathers.

Brandon.

There was one player in particular I became heavily interested in helping. When I met Brandon Cole, he had a bad attitude, anger issues, and always in trouble in school. But through all his character defects, he showed leadership qualities at many times. He was always protective of his teammates, he had a desire to win, very passionate at times, and loved to cook! It was a real struggle in our first year with Brandon. The outbursts on the bench and meltdowns in practice outweighed the good qualities that first year, but we stuck by him. Actually, his mother fought for him in a meeting where we suggested he go to another school. I’m glad she did!

Suspended for the first 4 games of the season, he was a good teammate, and he progressed very well over the course of that season. After that season ended, our conversations about going to college became more serious. He would say things like “It’s not for me coach” and “I won’t get in coach,” or “I don’t have the money coach.” Slowly, he started to believe in himself, and our coaching staff did a nice job working with the administration to help him along with the process.

After the completion of his junior year, he was fully qualified as a student to go to college as long as he maintained the minimum requirements needed for his Senior year. That summer, Brandon started to change. He was in the gym working on his game, he was comfortably talking to our staff and opening up about his anger problem, and his desire to be successful. Brandon now wanted to go to college!

Our team struggled in our second season as a new staff, but Brandon continued to get better on and off the court. About mid-way through the season, Brandon was dealing with some really heavy off-court stuff, and all the sudden, the old player came back. Angry, defeated, and unfocused. Again, my own problems and my racing thoughts were put into perspective when watching a young teen go through very tough times.

In late February of 2014, Brandon was kicked out of practice for being late. I was so worried about him at this point. I talked to my wife when I got home, and asked her if she had any cookbooks or knew about any famous chefs, as Brandon was interested in pursuing his culinary dreams in the future. She went out and bought me a Bobby Flay Cook book, which I put in my gym bag before our road game against Neumann Goretti.

Brandon was clearly not mentally right, while dealing with off-court problems, and had another meltdown on the bench. Anger and tears, just completely distraught. Brandon walked off the bench and sat with his neighborhood crew that were in the stands for the second half. Coach Jazz Williams taught me another lesson about crisis management, but that’s for another day.

Immediately after the game, I raced to my bag and grabbed the book. I chased him outside in the parking lot, gave him the cookbook, and said “ I believe in you.” That’s all I said…and I went back to the locker room. In his final 3 games of the season, Brandon had 19, 17, and 22 points respectively, and finished off his 4 year career at West Catholic with a vicious two hand dunk! Those 3 games and the help of Coach Jazz earned him a roster spot in the All Star Labor Classic in March 2015. Coach Jazz also had the opportunity to coach Brandon in this game. Brandon was named MVP of the game, which led to an article written about Brandon by Aaron Carter at the Philadelphia Inquirer. Aaron Carter is a phenomenal sports writer who has a huge impact on the Philadelphia high school hoops scene. (See more of Aaron’s work by following him at @AceCarterINQ on Twitter)

A basketball coach at Johnson & Wales University in Charlotte, NC happened to read this article and was intrigued, learning about Brandon’s interest in cooking and knowing that JWU has a culinary program. The coach called Coach Jazz right away to talk about Brandon.  Brandon was soon offered a scholarship from Johnson & Wales, a division 2 NAIA school. How awesome is that…combining both of his passions – culinary and basketball!

Still under a lot of pressure from his neighborhood, Brandon decided to go to Charlotte and attend Johnson & Wales. I met Brandon at his home the day before he left for school to drop off dorm supplies and some groceries. Neighbors were closely watching, wondering what the hell I was doing on their block. Brandon invited me into his home where he made chicken cutlets for me.

Let me make this very clear, leaving Philadelphia under his circumstances was very uncomfortable for him, but he did it. He finished up his freshman year at Johnson & Wales with a 3.1 GPA, and was the 6^th man during the basketball season, playing in 25 games and averaging 6.3 ppg. We spoke once a week while he was there during his freshman year. We became very close. He was helping me more than I was helping him. He just didn’t know it.

That summer, Brandon came back home to Philadelphia for summer break and was shot and killed on July 3^rd, 2016. We were absolutely crushed. That image of him laying in the hospital bed at Penn Presbyterian Medical Center with his chest open and tubes down his throat is vivid. I’ll never forget that. I think about this player every day. He gives me strength when I’m afraid about something. And, he reminds me to continue to do things that are uncomfortable in life.

The last text I received from Brandon in June 2016:

Thank you.

Thank you Jazz Williams, James Thomas, Larry Strand, Rob Wharton, Paul Colistra, all the players during those 2 seasons, and West Philly for saving my life without knowing it.

You taught me the following…

1. Give Second Chances: I am one, and so was Brandon.
2. In order to grow, you need to meet people, go places, and do things that are uncomfortable.
3. Invest in others. Believe in others. Help others.
4. Stick with the winners.
5. Be compassionate towards others.
6. Always put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Someone is always going through tough times at some point.
7. Be Unselfish.
8. Take Risks.
9. Be Authentic.
10. Brotherhood.

Thank you for visiting CoachHaggerty.com and reading my very first post. To learn more about me, please click here. If you liked this story, please share with friends and family via social media and please comment below! I would love to hear from you!